Dear Agony Read online

  He groans beneath his breath. “I didn’t know you were so young.”

  “Thirteen isn’t a huge age gap.”

  He shakes his head and sighs. “Twenty-three is very young. I don’t think I had even figured out who I was at that age.” Probably not since men tend to mature much slower than women.

  “Why would you think I was older?”

  “All of the things V told me about you sounded very mature.”

  “That’s because I am mature. My circumstances forced me to grow up very quickly.”

  I immediately want to take back those words as soon as they leave my mouth. This isn’t about my past, but I can’t help but wonder if Vale told him how she found me. Desperate. Destitute. Defeated.

  “I’d very much like you to tell me about that sometime. Later—when you feel you can trust me enough to go to that place.” He shrugs. “I mean, if this works out.”

  He knows. Maybe not the full extent but he at least guesses that there’s something dark in my past. The fact that I work for Vale is proof enough that things weren’t great in my life.

  “We’ll see.”

  “I can accept that. For now. Hungry?”

  I was nervous all day and didn’t have an appetite. But I’m better now. “Yes.”

  How unexpected. Bastien, a complete stranger, has somehow managed to put me at ease. What is it about him I find comforting? His kind eyes and expressions? His soft voice? His dry sense of humor that reminds me of Vale? I’m sure it’s all those things combined, but the biggest factor is knowing he’s Vale’s best friend. I have nothing to fear with him.

  It’s nice to meet him and not feel the need to be on the defensive. It’s exhausting to constantly watch and question every move a man makes. Always worried you aren’t going to pick up on some kind of signal that he means you harm. It’s why I’ve been so careful to not put myself in those kinds of situations again.

  “I’m glad you’re hungry. I cooked all day.”

  “Really?” He actually took the time to prepare a meal for me? Him. Not the cook on his payroll. And not a box of carryout from a restaurant.

  “Well, I made the roux about six hours ago. I haven’t been slaving away over the stove, but the gumbo’s been on a low simmer since a little after twelve. Does that qualify as cooking all day?”

  He went out of his way to prepare a home-cooked meal for me. Of course it qualifies. In fact, it also qualifies for placement at the top of the list labeled things never done for me.

  “We’ll let it count.” I keep my delight in check. Don’t want him to think I’m silly in addition to being young.

  Bastien places a portion of rice in a bowl and covers it with a generous scoop of gumbo. “Hope you’re not allergic to shellfish.”

  “Nope. And even if I were, I’d probably still eat this. It smells delicious.”

  “This was my mom’s family recipe passed down by her mother and her mother before her.” He said was. Past tense.

  “Authentic Cajun cuisine.”

  “One hundred percent.”

  He doesn’t have a New Orleans accent. He sounds like the people who live west of here. “Your accent and name are sort of a dead giveaway. Very French Acadian.”

  “Bastien Auguste Pascal. As you can tell, my parents were very proud of our Acadian roots.” Past tense again.

  “As they should have been.” His name has a beautiful cadence. I love the way it sounds coming from his mouth. “I like it very much. What were your parents’ names?”

  “Marie-Grace and Jean-Philippe.”

  Classic Acadian. “Love those names. Both so strong.”

  “Rose Middleton is a nice name as well.”

  I don’t like it. Rose always sounded so old and bland compared to names like Brittany and Katelyn. “Rose is dull and boring. And Middleton doesn’t have any kind of ancestral history behind it like your name.”

  “Prince William married a Middleton.”

  The branches on my Middleton family tree are bare, broken. Some shamefully overlapping. “Nice point but I’m no relation to Kate, I assure you.”

  “Where do you come from?”

  Careful, Rose. Say nothing that will point a finger in the direction of your filthy past. “About a hundred miles east of here.”

  “Mississippi coast?”

  “Yeah. Little Podunk town in the middle of nowhere.” Keep it general. Nonspecific.

  “Is that where your family lives?”

  Those people who bred me aren’t my relatives. “Vale is my only family.”

  “We have that in common. She’s my family, too.”

  We have Vale in common yet we know nothing about each other. I understand her keeping her business and personal life separate but why has she never allowed us to meet? It’s easy to see how important Bastien is to her. And I’m fairly certain she considers me an important person in her life as well.

  “How did you come to know Vale?”

  “Her mother became our housekeeper when I was two and she was seven.” Bastien grins. “That kid treated me like one of her baby dolls. She toted me around on her hip until I was four. We grew up together in this very house.”

  I wouldn’t have pegged Vale for the kid of a housekeeper. I pictured her being a posh, pampered princess.

  “Vale told me she met you almost thirty-four years ago and I didn’t consider that you’d have only been two at the time. That’s one reason I thought you’d be so much older.”

  “I asked her to not tell you anything about me, but I didn’t expect her to follow my wishes.” Damn. His smile when he laughs is beguiling.

  There was no mention of a smile that would soften my hardened heart.

  There was no mention of dark hair I’d want to touch or captivating rich mahogany eyes I could get lost in.

  There was no mention of sexy scruff on his face.

  I’ve distanced myself from men. Never even looked at one from afar and toyed with the idea of wanting him. Vale may have prepared me for a man three times my age. Potbellied. Hunched over.

  But she in no way prepared me for Bastien Pascal.

  “I’m glad you knew very little about me. I think it’s important that we spend time with each other and decide without preconceived notions whether being together is right for us.” Bastien grins and the lines around his eyes and mouth deepen. “Is that an okay term to use? Being together? Because that’s what our companionship equates to in my book.”

  I like that he’s asking permission to label us. “Living together. Spending time together. Having a good time together. But never together intimately.” I can’t bring myself to say the word sexually to him. It would be too uncomfortable. And at this point, even intimately feels like a huge stretch based on the heat I feel forming in my cheeks.

  “Understood.” Good. I needed to hear him say that he gets it. I feel so much better about this situation now. “You don’t have to worry, Rose. The thirteen-year age gap doesn’t do it for me. I wouldn’t feel right chasing after a twenty-three-year-old girl.”

  Wait. What?

  Girl? He sees me as a girl?

  I’m taken aback by his words. I thought a single, thirty-six-year-old man like Bastien—who’s still very much in his prime—would be interested in trying to meet his sexual needs with a woman in her early twenties. Especially when she’ll be his companion and living under the same roof.

  I’m certain Bastien has been somewhat educated about the companionship process, but all Duets know that clients come into the relationship with hopes that something sexual will evolve. It’s just a fact. So it’s a blow to my self-esteem when I hear him say I don’t do it for him.

  Is something wrong with him?

  Does he see something wrong with me?

  I’ve been adamant from the beginning that I wouldn’t have a physical relationship with any man I’m paired with during this process. I’m happy to hear Bastien say he understands and respects my wishes.

  But I’m sort of stunned b
y his blatant disinterest.

  I’ve worked so hard to become the beautiful, desirable, irresistible woman that men want. And this man doesn’t want me. At all.

  Damn, if my pride isn’t wounded. Yep, wounded.

  Didn’t see that coming.

  I don’t think I want to be with someone who makes me feel this way about myself. “Maybe we aren’t right for each other. I’m sure Vale would be happy to make a connection between you and a different Duet, maybe one you find attractive.”

  “I didn’t say I don’t find you attractive.”

  I hate to point out the obvious. It’s so belittling. Makes me feel like I’ve returned to the land of self-doubt. But I won’t go back there. I can’t. I fought too hard to leave that place.

  I lift my chin slightly. Maybe a little higher than I should but I won’t let him know he’s hurt my feelings. “You said I don’t do it for you. I see no need to continue forward.”

  “That’s not what I meant. You’re stunning. Absolutely beautiful. And young. Too young for me to think of in an intimate way. Which is perfect. I don’t want a companionship with a woman that will lead to romantic feelings. That would cause complications that don’t interest me. I’m in this for a platonic relationship. Friendship. That’s all. And you’re the perfect one for me. I’m very hopeful you’ll agree to this arrangement.”

  You’re stunning. Absolutely beautiful. And young. Too young for me to think of in an intimate way.

  He doesn’t want me that way. I should be relieved.

  But I’m not. No, not even a little.

  “You’re not eating.” Can’t. I’m queasy again.

  I smile to hide my disappointment and push my spoon through the bowl of gumbo. “Waiting for it to cool so I don’t get burned.”

  I steal a glance at Bastien Pascal and ponder what life with him will be like. I imagine lots of smiles and laughter.

  I bring my spoon to my mouth for the first bite of gumbo, and despite waiting, it still burns.

  Just like Bastien Pascal will do.

  This man will burn me.

  I already know it.

  I feel it deep in my core.

  And yet I already know that my answer will be yes.

  Chapter Six

  __________________________________

  Bastien Pascal

  –

  I’ve hardly slept since meeting Rose. I’m fine during the day when I’m busy at work but she invades my head when I’m home in the evenings. The worst is when I’m in my bed alone in the dark. But not the way one would suspect.

  I’m tormented by fear, concern, worry.

  Worried she’s too young for this relationship.

  Worried she’s too tenderhearted and could be damaged by what will happen after I send her away.

  Worried she’s actually perfect for this relationship.

  It’s not too late. She hasn’t said yes yet. There’s still time to end this before it begins.

  But I don’t want to call it off.

  I don’t want to be alone.

  The last several months of my life have been tortured by the fear of the unknown. My future is both certain and uncertain at the same time.

  It’s definite that my health is going to decline, but the rate at which that happens is unpredictable. Worst-case, I could have six good months left before my muscles give out on me. Best-case scenario, I top out at a few years. No doctor can predict how quickly my body is going to deteriorate.

  I’m afraid, but not of dying. I’m terrified of not living life to the fullest while I still have air in my lungs and strength in my body. I don’t want to spend my final healthy days alone.

  Am I wrong for wanting a companion by my side until the end comes? Someone I can share good times with while they’re still good?

  I thought I knew the answer but I wrestle with that question when I see Rose Middleton’s face in my mind. So young. So sweet. So pure.

  “Well?” Vale’s voice yanks me out of that faraway place where I was inside my head arguing with myself.

  “Well what?”

  “You know what.” Vale playfully kicks me beneath the table. “Tell me what you think of her.”

  “Rose is . . . everything you promised and more.” So much more.

  “You think she could be what you’re looking for in a companion?”

  I didn’t feel like I was talking to a twenty-two-year-old, but I can’t shake the concern I have about her age. “A bit younger than I expected.”

  “I would have paired you with someone older had I been given the opportunity but you told me she was the one you wanted. In fact, you were very adamant about it.”

  I insisted on having Rose because she’d been trained for three years. I knew she would be prepared to deliver what I wanted. But I had no idea Vale had brought her on as a Duet while she was nineteen. Still a kid.

  “I know I was persistent but . . . I just didn’t anticipate her being thirteen years younger than me.”

  “I don’t see why her age is a problem. You’re not wanting a sexual partner, although only God knows why. You want someone who will meet your intellectual and playful needs. She’ll be a good fit. But, I won’t push her on you.”

  I don’t like the thought of ending the possibility of Rose before it begins. “I really liked her. We clicked. Or at least I think we did.”

  “You’re not imagining it. She felt it too.”

  It’s absurd how happy that makes me. And my attempt to stop the goofy-ass grin from spreading across my face is unsuccessful. “She liked me?”

  “Very much. Your warm smile and kind eyes won her over.” Vale rolls her eyes. “That and your kooky sense of humor.”

  “I figured a girl her age would think I was cheesy.”

  “Oh, you are very cheesy but I guess she likes that kind of thing since she wants to move forward with the companionship.”

  She made that decision quickly. I only met her last night.

  “I was worried she would decline my proposition.” Or maybe I hoped she would so I don’t drag her into my hell.

  “You’re a handsome guy with a smoking-hot body. I’m sure she feels lucky to be paired with you.”

  I guess I am a better alternative than some old ass-grabber. That’s not saying a whole lot for me.

  “I’m almost thirty-six. She should be with a stud her age.” Who doesn’t have a degenerative muscle disease.

  “Studs her age are years away from having their shit together. Years away from having even a sliver of the success you have, or close to being the person you are. They’d show her what lifestyle on a budget looks like. You’ll show her the luxurious things in life, not that she even remotely expects that, to be honest. There’s no comparison. None. Trust me. Rose knows that. She didn’t begrudgingly agree. She’s happy with this decision.”

  Rose seemed very okay with me at our meeting last night. I thought her interest and comfort level might be an act. Maybe not. She could actually be into this.

  “How does the arrangement work?”

  “We need to go over each of your boundaries and expectations—every one of them, all the way down to things as frivolous as agreeing to never take a shit in front of her.” Vale smiles as she lifts a brow. “I use that as an example because that problem came up once.” She shakes her head. “That man was one exceptionally nasty bastard. I had to blacklist him.”

  I chuckle about that one. “I can say with one hundred percent confidence that I will never take a shit in front of her.”

  “It’s a tedious process but we need to meet so we can discuss the terms. I have to put something in writing so you’ll both have a hard copy if anything ever comes into question. Once you both agree to the terms, you’re set and she’ll move in with you.”

  “Christmas is next week.”

  “It’s up to you but I’m inclined to think it would be better if we expedited the process and got her into your house as soon as possible. Waiting until the new year doesn’t gi
ve you much time to adjust before she returns to school. Plus, I think it would be nice for you to spend the holidays together.”

  Vale is always with her secret friend for the holidays. I’m happy she has someone but it always leaves me without the only person I consider family. I wouldn’t hate spending Christmas morning with someone besides myself. “I agree. We need plenty of time to acclimate to one another.”

  And it’s probably not a bad idea if I take some extra days off to be with her during this transitional period.

  “Rose is at home today. We could go ahead and have the agreement meeting when we leave here if you’re not busy.”

  I have a meeting after lunch but Helen can move it. This is what’s important to me right now. “I can come over and do that.”

  “Pairing the two people I love most in this world makes me profoundly happy.” Vale’s smile is broad and deep. She’s genuinely thrilled to bring Rose and me together. I bet she’s even hoping there will be some romantic sparks between us.

  I’ve lied to my best friend. Sort of. There will come a point where I can’t hide the physical manifestation of my disease, and I’ll be forced to tell Vale about my plan. In many respects, I am glad she has Rose, because she will need her. More than she ever realized.

  “I thought this connection thing was a great idea when you originally presented the concept behind Duets Foundation but I never imagined I’d be asking you to find a companion for me.”

  “What I do works—and I’m thrilled to pair you with Rose—but I think it’s entirely unnecessary. There are plenty of women out there who would love nothing more than to be your bride.”

  “I told you, Vale. I don’t want the complications that go along with a wife.” I say the words but they aren’t true. I very much wanted a life partner and family until I got my diagnosis.

  “Okay. Then there are plenty of women out there who would love nothing more than to be your play pretty.”

  I’ve had plenty of play pretties. They’re either in it for the money or the sex. That’s not what I’m looking for. “Not interested in the complications that go along with a play pretty either.”

  “I have a hunch about how this will go.”