Dear Agony Read online

  “Challenge accepted.”

  Four Months Later

  -

  Chapter Fifteen

  __________________________________

  Rose Middleton

  ∞

  “Wow. You’ve gone above and beyond mastering my mom’s shrimp and mascarpone grits. She may come back to haunt me after I say this, but I believe you have outdone her.”

  Little makes me happier than hearing Bash’s praise when it comes to his mother’s recipes. “Glad you’re enjoying it.”

  “Enjoying is an understatement for what I’m experiencing. Well done, you.”

  “I had the best culinary instructor. He was a bit of a hardass at times, but he taught me well.”

  Bastien takes another bite of grits and there’s a slight moan in his breath. “I can’t put my finger on it but you did something differently.”

  He always notices the little things. “Cooked the grits in shrimp stock. I thought it would give the dish a richer flavor without overpowering it.”

  “It made a huge difference. Good idea.”

  Bastien. Always complimenting me. Always finding ways to bolster my confidence. My abilities.

  Like Bastien, there’s no other place I’d rather be than here. With him. He loves home-cooked meals and time at home. Those are his two favorite things, and they’ve now become mine as well.

  And although my gift is one to take us away from here for a few days, I have high hopes he’ll be excited about it. “Birthday present time. Come with me.”

  We go into the living room and I fetch the brown and blue-wrapped gift off the coffee table. “Happy birthday.”

  “You aren’t obligated to get me anything. The birthday dinner was more than enough.”

  It stings that he would suggest I might feel forced to buy him a birthday gift. His words imply we are still only a Duet and a client. “This isn’t out of obligation. I wanted to get this for you.”

  “I appreciate it but I feel bad when you spend your money on me. You know how much I value the little things money can’t buy.”

  “And I love that about you but I think you’ll be suuuper excited about this gift. It’s something we can do together so I guess you could say it’s a little bit for me too.”

  “Something we can do together. Very interesting. I hope we haven’t gotten each other the same thing.” My birthday present from him is something we can do together too? Oh, dear. I bet we have bought each other the same thing.

  Shoot. At least he’s opening my gift to him first.

  Bastien tears the paper and lifts the top off the box. “No. Way.”

  I don’t know what that means. “Is that a no way because we got each other the same birthday gift or a no way because you really like the gift?”

  “It’s a no way because you just gave me Super Bowl tickets. And no, we didn’t get each other the same thing.”

  Thank goodness for that. “I know the Saints aren’t playing, but I thought you might enjoy it anyway. It’s about a five and a half hour drive to Houston, so I thought we might make a road trip out of it instead of flying.”

  “Road trip. Love it.”

  He leans in and pulls me into his arms. And I welcome it. I love feeling Bastien’s arms around me. I feel safe. Adored. Wanted. “You can’t possibly imagine how much I love this gift. Thank you.”

  He can’t possibly imagine how much I love that we’re going on any kind of trip together. It’s unexplainable how I can still want time with him even though we spend so much of our days together. “I’m happy you like it.”

  He releases me, too soon to suit me. “I have a birthday present for you too.”

  Tonight was supposed to be about him. “You know that my birthday is still seven days away?”

  “I do, but there’s a reason I’m giving it to you tonight. Or at least part of it.”

  Bastien dashes toward the stairs. “Stay right there. Don’t move a muscle.”

  “Not going anywhere.” Ever. I’m never going anywhere if it doesn’t include you, Bash.

  He returns carrying an elegantly wrapped gift from Alexis, a high-end luxury boutique. Disappointing, although Alexis is my favorite place to shop. I was hoping to see one of his self-wrapped gifts. Those are the special ones that mean so much to me.

  I smile to disguise my disappointment. “You know me well. I love everything from Alexis.”

  I tear into the gift and take out a black-fringed bikini. A bikini in January? That’s sort of a weird gift considering I can’t use it until later in the year.

  I hold up the top and see that it’s pretty dang skimpy. “Super cute. Thank you.”

  “You aren’t wondering why I’m giving you a swimsuit in January?”

  “The thought might have crossed my mind.” Although, I wasn’t going to mention it.

  “You need a new bikini for our trip to Hawaii.”

  Hawaii? Hawaii! “Don’t you dare kid with me about that.”

  “No joke, baby girl. We fly out in the morning. Destination Honolulu.”

  “Honolulu? In the morning? Woo hoo.”

  Bastien knows Hawaii is on my bucket list. This man. I hurl myself onto his lap, my arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. I bury my face in the side of his neck and squeeze him tightly. “There’s no one else in this world I’d rather go to Hawaii with. Thank you.”

  I love you, Bastien Auguste Pascal.

  I don’t just love you. I’m hopelessly in love with you.

  And the tragedy is that you’ll never know.

  “I had to bite my tongue every time you talked about how it was your dream to go one day.”

  I release him, although I want to keep holding tightly and stay in his lap forever. “How long have you been planning this?”

  “Three months.”

  That means he began planning this trip a month after he tried to make me leave. A part of me finds this reassuring. Like maybe he’s decided to let me stay by his side as the ALS progresses. But another part of me can’t help but wonder if he plans for this trip to be our one last hurrah before he tells me to leave again.

  My heart dropped to my feet when Bastien told me about his illness. He was so grim and set on his plan to make me leave and then to take his life. But then hope was ignited when he conceded. There was no way I could have left him.

  That was four months ago and I’m still here.

  I haven’t given up on him or prolonging his life. I’ve researched the illness so I can understand everything Bastien is going through. Prepared myself for the changes his life and body will undergo. I’m equipped to handle this.

  I’m not going anywhere.

  Bastien’s illness. We rarely talk about it anymore. Each time we do it always becomes an argument so I think he simply opts to forego it. Fine by me. I’m happy to pretend it doesn’t exist until we are forced to face it.

  “How long is this Hawaiian getaway?”

  “A week.”

  “Oh, Bash. You spoil me beyond belief.”

  “I promised you I would.”

  Times like this I have a fleeting thought that Bastien might love me the way I love him. Until I remember what we are. What I am—a companion he bought for two million dollars plus a monthly allowance. A rental fee.

  He could have me for free if he wanted. I don’t care anything about his money. I only want him.

  We have a wonderful relationship. I think he loves me in his own way. But he isn’t in love with me. I’d be wise to remember that instead of dreaming about what might happen if I reached out to him in the dark when he’s lying next to me after one of my nightmares.

  “What time is our flight?”

  “Boarding begins at seven.”

  “I need to start packing. It’ll take me ’til morning to figure out what I’m going to take to wear.”

  “You have new clothes for this trip hanging on the right back side of your closet. They were chosen by Candace.” Candace is my favorite sales associate at Alexis Bou
tique. She knows me like the back of her hand.

  I want to kiss him. I want to hold him tightly so he knows how much I love him and how thankful I am for his presence in my life. But as usual, I mask my feelings and answer how I’ve been trained.

  “Bastien! I don’t know what to say. Thank you doesn’t even come close to being enough.”

  “All I ever need is to see you smile. That’s it. And I’m happy.”

  Making me happy makes Bastien happy. He always puts me ahead of himself. That’s not something I expected to experience in this kind of relationship.

  Isn’t that what love is? I mean, the real and true kind. The sort where you love someone unconditionally. Doesn’t matter if they’re sick or flawed. Or they snore like a congested hyena. You love them just the way they are. Imperfections and all.

  ***

  “Hello. We have a reservation for Bastien Pascal.”

  “Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Pascal.” I smile. Not the first time we’ve heard that. Nor will it be the last.

  In the last thirteen months, it hasn’t mattered whether we’ve dined out in New Orleans or traveled the world, people have always referred to me as Mrs. Pascal.

  I guess we just look like we fit together. Probably because we do.

  Even the employees at PPI who’ve known Bastien for years have never acted as though we aren’t the perfect couple. Except Wendy the witch.

  Being mistaken for Bastien’s wife never gets old. And I love how he never corrects strangers. I get to pretend, even if only for a minute, that we’re . . . more.

  Not only has Bastien brought me to Hawaii, he has booked our rooms in the most luxurious hotel on Waikiki Beach. “This is amazing, Bash.”

  “I thought you might like it.”

  “Looks like we have you booked for the sunset penthouse, one bedroom—king, for seven nights. Checking in on the seventeenth and departing on the twenty-fourth.”

  “Correct.” Bastien doesn’t hesitate to answer. And he doesn’t tell them there’s been a mistake.

  One penthouse. One bedroom. One bed.

  Holy. Shiz.

  Bastien books separate rooms when we travel. The rooms are always adjoining but he has his bed and I have mine. Yes, he ends up in mine pretty often but we always start out separately.

  “Here are your keys. Your penthouse is on the thirty-ninth floor.”

  I don’t hear anything else the receptionist says because I’m fixated on what this means.

  I’m dazed as we follow the bellhop onto the elevator. Neither of us say anything as we rise to the top, but I can’t resist stealing a glance at Bastien in the mirror. His eyes meet mine and we both smile, but remain silent.

  I’d say that I wish it were just the two of us in the elevator so I could ask him what’s going on but that’s not the truth. I probably couldn’t choke out the words.

  The bellhop breaks the awkward silence. “Did you fly in from the mainland?”

  “Yes. New Orleans.”

  “Ah, The Big Easy. Never been but I’ve always wanted to go. Are you honeymooning?”

  Bastien nods in my direction. “Here for her birthday.”

  “Not a bad way to celebrate.”

  “It definitely isn’t.”

  “Happy birthday.”

  “Thank you.”

  I dart toward the floor-to-ceiling windows as soon as we’re inside the penthouse. Blue water and white sand is all I can see for miles. “Oh my goodness. It’s absolutely gorgeous.”

  “It certainly is.”

  Bastien is across the room. No way he can see what I’m talking about. “How would you know? You’re not even over here looking.”

  “I’m looking, Rose. Just not at the beach.” I turn to Bastien and discover him staring at me.

  “Bash . . .” I want to say the words—ask him what’s happening between us. Because I feel it. Something is changing. And it’s pivotal and significant and intense.

  I look away when the bellhop returns to the living room from dropping our bags in the bedroom, as though he might read my face and know the thoughts I’m having. “Will there be anything else, Mr. Pascal?”

  Bastien takes out his wallet and passes a bill to the bellhop. “Nothing else.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  Bastien comes to stand with me at the window. “Is this okay?”

  Is he kidding me? “It’s better than okay. It’s jaw-dropping gorgeous.”

  “I’m not talking about the hotel. Is sharing a bed okay with you?”

  I’m glad he’s bringing it up so we can get that conversation out of the way. “Yes, Bastien. It’s okay. We end up in the same bed most nights anyway. No reason we can’t start out together.”

  “Those were my thoughts when I booked. The bed’s a king. Not like we’ll be sleeping on top of each other.” On top of each other would be all right with me.

  I hope he can’t see the heat I’m feeling in my cheeks. “Right.”

  “If you’re uncomfortable with this arrangement, I’ll go downstairs and book a second room.”

  “I’m good with it. Promise.” I’m very good with sleeping with Bastien every night for the next week.

  His face relaxes. Was he really worried I’d be upset about this?

  “I have tours scheduled the next three days. One’s via helicopter. After that, we’re free to relax at the beach, the pool, or shop. Anything you want as long as I get to see you in that black bikini sometime while we’re here.” That bikini is skimpy. I’m not sure it’s suitable, even for Hawaii.

  Bastien has taken me on no less than a dozen trips, some of those across the pond, but I’ve never been as excited as I am right now for this one. “This is going to be our best trip ever. We will still be talking about this vacation years from now.”

  Years from now. I process the words and what they mean after I’ve said them. Even if Bastien doesn’t do the unthinkable, we won’t be able to talk about this years from now.

  Not to exceed three years. That is the terms of our agreement. After that, this relationship ends.

  Everything in our contract has a clause. I want a clause. An extension. Three years isn’t going to be enough.

  In fact, I just want that agreement to be torn up. Ripped to shreds and put on the street with yesterday’s trash.

  “This will definitely be a trip worthy of being remembered.” He doesn’t agree that we’ll be talking about it years from now.

  “Indeed.” I smile to conceal the pain I feel inside as I’ve done many times.

  Even though I love him, I need to remember that this is a business arrangement. I trained for this. Signed a dotted line. It is my job to deliver what is expected of me. But that doesn’t mean I won’t cherish every moment I have with this man I adore and love.

  “I was thinking we could have dinner at one of the hotel restaurants and then turn in early. I want to be well rested for tomorrow.”

  It’s been an exhausting day. We were up at four this morning and then had two flights. The two loud talkers behind us on our flight from Dallas kept me from going to sleep. “I think that’s an excellent idea.”

  “There’s a casual restaurant on the beach.”

  Casual. I like that. I don’t feel like getting dolled up. “Perfect. What time do you want to go?”

  “Let’s go now. Maybe we’ll make it down early enough to be seated in a great spot to watch the sunset.”

  Sunset with Bastien on our first night in Honolulu. Nothing could be better than that. “Let’s do it. But I want to freshen up.” And change. I always feel icky after traveling.

  “Let me grab my toiletry bag and I’ll freshen up in the other bathroom.”

  Super convenient this penthouse has two bathrooms.

  I choose a floral halter dress. Soft. Flowing. Romantic. Candace did a great job choosing clothes for me. I’ll need to send her a thank-you/job-well-done gift when we get back.

  She knows I’m in love with Bastien. She’s rooting for us. Hard. I see
it in the clothing she chose for me. She’s dressing me in a perfect combination of romantic, sweet, and sexy.

  But the sleepwear she chose . . . dang. Some of it is almost . . . provocative. Not the usual cotton cami-short set he’s used to seeing me wear. In my defense, I didn’t choose any of it. I’m glad he knows that. Makes it a little easier to wear in front of him. Maybe. I’m going to feel self-conscious wearing that black lacy number. Not sure I can do it. Even if he knows I didn’t choose it, the gown screams I put this on because I want to have sex with you.

  Bastien is on the sofa waiting when I come out from freshening up. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to take so long.”

  He looks at me and I don’t mistake the long breath he inhales before slowly exhaling. “Worth. Every. Minute. You look beautiful.”

  I never tire of hearing Bastien tell me I’m beautiful. “Thank you.”

  “Don’t forget your ID.”

  I giggle because I always get carded when we order drinks. “Right.”

  All bartenders think I look twelve because I’m a bit on the tiny side for a grown woman. And because I have a young-looking face with big eyes and a pixie nose. I’ll give them that, but I have boobs and hips. My body has the shape of a grown woman.

  “Are you taking your clutch?” I love that Bastien knows the name for the type of purse I carry when we go out.

  “I was thinking I would leave it in case we take a walk on the beach. Will you put my license in your wallet?”

  “You know I will.”

  The restaurant is already pretty packed when we arrive. “Looks like everyone else had the same idea as us.”

  Bastien grins when he sees the hostess. “Wait here. Let me handle this.”

  I know what he’s up to. “Go for it, lady charmer.”

  Bastien has a special way with women. Doesn’t matter if they’re young or old or single or married. They bend to his will like putty in his hands. Just like me.

  I stand behind the crowd of waiting diners while the man works his magic. And I’m not the least bit shocked when he gestures for me to come to the hostess stand. “Right this way, Mr. and Mrs. Pascal.”